


How to get a job, Crookshanks style

by petals_sunwards



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Fic, Crookshanks, Facebook: Hermione's Nook, Gen, Hermione's Nook's Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, It's just Nick's interview, Nick Fury hates cats, Nick Fury is Not Amused, No Plot, No Plot/Plotless, POV Nick Fury, crack!fic, crookshanks is little scary, just crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:20:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23407426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petals_sunwards/pseuds/petals_sunwards
Summary: Nick Fury walks in for the interview but it doesn't go as expected. He fucking hates cats and Hogwarts has one as headmistress.
Comments: 20
Kudos: 23
Collections: Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest





	How to get a job, Crookshanks style

**Author's Note:**

> I have a theory that Nick Fury hates cats and that's what inspired this story!  
> Written for Hermione's Nook Cards Against Muggles Crack Fest!!  
> My prompt was:  
> Black Card: _______ Will be teaching Defence Against he Dark Arts  
> White Card: Crookshanks
> 
> If you know the character, it doesn't belong to me!  
> Betaed using Grammarly, so expect grammar errors..

Nick Fury was a man of action. Despite being a super spy, sitting idle was not in his nature. Hence, when SHILED was crashing down around him, he had found the perfect way to recuperate from his supposed death. The Wizarding world had always been his plan, but the little advert in The Daily Prophet had made his plans easier. Hogwarts Castle had always been impenetrable, and no one would even imagine the Director of SHIELD teaching teens.

> **_Looking for Defense Against Dark Arts professor!_ **
> 
> _Minimum Qualifications: Mastery in DADA with O in NEWT level._
> 
> _Mastery requirement will be waived for relevant experience._
> 
> _experience in leadership positions is a plus._

This was the post meant for him. Children, no matter how unruly they were; couldn’t be harder to handle than Tony Stark, Clint Barton and Thor Odinson combined. And he had survived years around them without killing them. The interview panel had indicated there would be a skill level testing to weed out incompetents, but it wasn’t his first rodeo. 

So, very confident and expectant Nick Fury walked into Hogwarts headmistress’ office. Not much had changed since the last time he was here. The addition of Albus Dumbledore and Snape’s portraits was expected as was the absence of lemon drops. He didn’t miss McGonagall’s shrewd but approving gaze and primly sat into the indicated chair. However, a sudden appearance of an otter patronus surprised him.

“I am so sorry Minerva.” It spoke in a woman’s voice, maybe in her early thirties. A faculty or someone in close contact with the headmistress, he guessed from a small smile on her face.   
“Crookshanks just bolted; he is heading towards your office. I hope you don’t have any interviews scheduled today!” The otter vanished, and Minerva cracked a small laugh.

“Very Well Mr. Fury, hope you are ready! Crooks will be an excellent opponent to test your skills!” She adjusted her glasses and busied herself with his impressive resume.

While the headmistress read, Nick internally debated about what or who creature Crookshanks could be. Unfortunately, the magical world could be unpredictable (oh how much he hated it).Crookshanks could be a misbehaved ghost or a class XXXX beast (makes sense to lock it in office) or some violent book in the restricted section (He had been bitten by one once). Suddenly he started questioning his decision of facing down something else so soon after the winter soldier fiasco was unsettling. He heard the crash outside and braced himself for an assault. 

The door to the office opened and entered the big, bandy-legged beast with a squashed head. Nick’s first brain cell yelled ‘ugh it’s an ugly motherfucker..’ while the second, more coherent brain cell questioned why the fuck there was a ginger lion inside the school. His third brain cell did not wake up until the beast gracefully landed on the table and meowed at him.

It was a cat, a fucking cat, fucking yet another cat! His mind kept flashing images of the last cat he had let so close to his face. He tried to swallow his anger and concentrate on the headmistress. His eyes flickered towards strategically placed cat perches near the window and entrance, too small for Crookshanks to fit. 

He snapped when the cat stared into his good eye without blinking. He could almost see the desire to swipe the paw whirling inside those yellow eyes. Hell with the job and a safe place inside the castle. He would rather work in the knockturn alley wearing colorful robes. He abruptly stood up, letting the chair fall and vindictively enjoying the cat’s yelp.

“Mr.Fury? Is everything all right?” Headmistress asked with a raised eyebrow.

“I can’t work here, Ma’am. I need to go underground and I am not sure being a professor will provide me with needed anonymity.” He replied through clenched teeth. If only she wasn’t another cat in disguise. He was not used to deferring to someone, and he had his fill for the day. He stalked towards the door without a second glance and banged it close just to startle the monster again.

“Well Crooks,” Headmistress McGonagall scolded the cat, “I warned you what will happen if you scare off another candidate.”

* * *

Two months later, on 1st of September, the entire great hall broke into chaos when the new DADA professor was announced. Professor Crookshanks paid them no mind and opted for enjoying his nap on Headmistress’s lap.

**Author's Note:**

> I know, it's not my best wor! But I am trying my best and hope to get back the muse!


End file.
